i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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