i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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