i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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