No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
