Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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