So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
