No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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