Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
