I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
