I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
