Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
