My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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