dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
