I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
