Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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