Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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