the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
