it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
