Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
