I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think I sprained my soul last night
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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