I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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