GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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