oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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