I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
