he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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