Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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