someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
