I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
