I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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