i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He better not be in your backpack
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
