Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
