After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
