I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
