I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
