My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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