i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
