i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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