She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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