Your dad touched me again.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
