I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Of course I have a pirate flag
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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