I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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