Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
