You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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