we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize
