she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
