last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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