I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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