The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
