I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
