Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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