dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize