I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
