Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
