i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
