dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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