that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
