If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
