why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
