I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
