He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
