There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
