my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize