I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
