i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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